morning.

Feeling the moment slip away
Losing direction you're losing faith
You're wishing for someone
Feeling it all begin to slide
Am I just like you
All the things you do - can't help myself

How do you feel when there's no sun
And how will you be when rain clouds come and pull you down again
How will you feel when there's no one
Am I just like you

Turning to face what you've become
Bury the ashes of someone
Broken by the strain
Trying to fill that space inside
Am I just like you
All the things you do - can't help myself
-Feeling a moment, Feeder-

***

who are you that i am wasting my time on you and things about you?
who are you that i am forced to run and hide?
who are you that i am to suffer like this?
who are you that i am to act and pretend?

who are you? who are you to me? who are you to the me in me?

***
argh, what nonsense am i saying here?
exam stress yeah. darn. yeah right.

something and someone

"Men in our families are like the sun, they have a light of their own(they own resources, are mobile, have the freedom to take decisions, etc). Women are like satellites, without any light of their own. They shine only if and when the sun's light touches them. This is why women have to constantly compete with each other for a bigger share of sunlight, because without this light there is no life." -A rural woman-

What the woman says struck me every time I read this portion of some Gender articles.

I guess this happens not just to women in rural areas, but also to those in urban areas. It doesn't matter whether she is a housewife, a doctor, a factory worker, a sales girl, a teacher, an office lady, an engineer, a politician and etc... It showed me how much women are dependent upon men as their provider for all basic needs.. physical, mental, emotional, for security, for companionship and etc, that their lives are only secured and complete when there is this one man. I can't help but agree that such thought has been internalized in a woman since she was young, and is further reinforced by all kinds of social relations in her life. No matter how successful and established a woman is(whether in the end, she is single or married), I believe that at different points of her life, she too struggles with such needs. A needs and dependency which is so interwoven with all kinds of things in a woman's life.....

Well, maybe that's the reason why
we are looking and waiting for that
someone...

Will we be able to break free from such dependency on men?

Not in the mood.

Darn.

餘情未了 卻不敢夢和想
**
情懷如雨 永遠沒晴朗

........

yippie

I am feeling sleepy. Drank coffee. Drinking 100 plus now(instead of coca-cola). Sigh. Got so bored of studying. Oh my gosh. Exam is on Wednesday. Etika dan Perguruan. Darn.

I have been reading articles upon articles. chunks and chunks of words. blah blah blah..

Last night's FES 45th Anniversary Thanksgiving and Dinner... haha... I met my mum's cousin. What a surprise!! I was kinda excited about it coz' usually I only get to meet up with him and his sisters during CNY or any big occasions among my maternal relatives. Oh well, they are the ones who brought me to Sunday school long long long time ago. =) Yo... those were the days, man!

Hmm.. what else? Neh... nothing much lar. That's all, I think. Oh ya, lately I am addicted to modifying my pictures to black and white. Haha. That's one of the things I do to waste my time, besides facebooking and daydreaming. Alright, I better start studying. Issshh...

random

26th October, 1pm. I am still studying the Gender stuff (oh well, since I started the day Gender has been on my mind, in front of me, beside me....). Drinking the cekap vanila coke belanja-ed by my roomie. =) *and i'm flying.. weeeee....*

***

Listening to jiwang Sammi Cheng's song. Haha.. =p

無援地傷心一場 沒法知一些感情真相

餘情未了 卻不敢夢和想
無援地傷心一場 沒法可走出癡情方向
情懷如雨 永遠沒晴朗
(情懷如雨 怕再度回看)

面對愛你不懂去收放
如能為你我 願賠上今天的創傷
令我再次失望 還是情深一往
愁時共你笑亦和你是我一生中的理想

***

Yesterday evening during dinner time... my roomie and I spotted a leng chai who looks like LeeHom and Hero from TVXQ. Well-built, fair, nice features.. blah blah blah. I think he is a Korean. Hmm, one thing good about staying in MC -- chances of seeing some good looking international students are quite high.

Stalk them? Haha... that's what my roomie suggested. Neh... it must be too much of cutting and pasting and doing assignment la you! Hahhaah... What about me? It must be too much of sex dan gender and peranan sosial dan kawalan and realiti wanita dan simbol-simbol yang seksis and perspektif gender... blah blah blah... Sweat!

study lar~

Now it's already 10.30pm. I have been studying the Gender stuff for the whole night(and plus the 2 hours before dinner at 6pm). Sex vs Gender. Biologically determined vs socially constructed. Women's studies vs Men's studies. First wave feminism. Second wave feminism. Third wave feminism. This and that. Identity politics doesn't really make sense to me. Still struggling to understand the notes coz' the BM used in the notes is so darn one kind. Berputar-belit with long BM sentences. Great patience and supernatural understanding are needed to figure out what those BM sentences are talking about....

Read one round? Make sense? *scratch head* No. Ok, read another round. Make sense now? Not really. Oh well, read another round then! *got a bit bengang* Make more sense now? Sigh, a bit lar~ Oh God, help me....!

I came across some parts of the notes and I find it quite one-of-a-kind...
"Politik adalah mengenai pengambilan subjek-subjek melalui proses-proses pembentukan identiti-identiti .... identiti yang dibentuk melalui pergerakan-pergerakan sosial baru --- dengan meletakkan dalam agenda identiti-identiti ..." blah blah blah..... My tongue got twisted a bit reading that line.

"Wanita sedar bahawa pengetahuan yang dikonstruk lelaki mengenai wanita iaitu mereka adalah deviant dari segi fisiologi dan saikologi(I thought it's supposed to be psikologi, but never mind) kepada definisi wanita sebagai bukan pekerja biasanya diterima sebagai pengetahuan objektif tetapi pengetahuan yang dihasilkan oleh wanita biasanya dianggap sebagai subjektif". I got to read the first part of the sentence for N times only then I kinda understood what it is about. Darn.

The farthest distance
.
..
...
....

iseriouslydon'tknowhowtoexplainwhatisonmymindit'sterribledarnterriblehateditseriouslyhateditstupidmewhat'swrongwithme
littlewonders.chasingcars.somewhereonlyweknow.secretgarden.
reallyfeltlikebangingmyheadtothewallstudyingplantstructuresandfunctionstokeepthatthingoutofmymind
blind.fourinthemorning.emotion.overyou.ghostofyouandme.
butthisoutofsightoutofmindthingydoesn'treallyworkforthiscaseidon'tknowhowamigoingtosurviveandmoveonandgetoveritandputanendtoit.
whenyou'regone.thelonggoodbye.mywish.

is what hurts the most.

Sigh.. I couldn't really understand this and that....

how arh...?

Facebook

Sigh. I am addicted to Facebook. Perhaps I should just lock my laptop in the cabinet and hide the key in somewhere I know and go study gila-gila for exam, then after a while go and find the key to unlock the cabinet and take out the laptop and plug in the cable and log in and go online to throw some food, superpoke some people, bite some chumps, fight against some vampires and werewolves and slayers and zombies, draw some graffiti, update my mood, earn some money for Food Fight and to buy food for my MooLoo, pet my MooLoo and other peoples' Fluff like Mooorni, Bummer Jr., Marshmallow, Jinraph, Joeyz, Elle, Tofy, Piggi, and etc, get some bumper sticker, receive some gifts, send some gifts, nominate people for some Superlatives thingy... and the list goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on.....

Alright, it's enough! I am going offline now to study the darn etika notes. Sigh. What is this...?!

I am hungry..... hmmm... Oops, I haven't fed my MooLoo...

Love this pic a lot! =)

got it from Tim's multiply