Dunno what to type.. but I just want to let my fingers to exercise a bit..

WHy?
Coz i'm feeling quite frustrated now.. partly because of the stupid computer I'm using.

Im feeling a bit low.. why do I get so emo?

I m looking for sth that I m looking for..

Fortress of Solitude

Kinda stressful with the studies..

Looking for my 'fortress of solitude'..

but it seems that itz quite hard for me to find one..

How Great is Our God...

My God..
The Name above all names..
Worthy to be praised..

Some thoughts..

Something I learned..

My life...
is like a blank piece of paper..

All I need to do..
is to sign at the bottom of the paper..
And give it to God..

Then..
let God write His purposes..
on that piece of paper..

But..
How often..

I wish I can give Him a paper..
Written on it the things 'I want' to do..
The purposes 'I want' to live out..
And then sign on it and give it to Him..

Wait for Him to stamp "Approved!"

~*~*~

Many times we grumbled because the openings He has for us are not the ones we wanted..

~*~*~

A sold out Christian for Jesus Christ..
A radical one..
Someone who follows Him recklessly.. relentlessly..

I have to admit.. sometimes I was afraid of what it will cost me to follow Him and going all out for Him..

But I know that as I walk on the path He has called me to.. He has already checked out the route and is walking alongside me..

Thank You, Lord..

This is a photo taken from Bukit Jugra, Banting..

Aww.. miz the time I spent in places other than KL-PJ..

The quietness.. the serenity.. in a not-so-busy town..

Now I am stuck in PJ..

There's nothing bad about PJ..

BUT..

How nice I if could stand there once again..

Watching sunset..

Bumming around with friends..

Why suddenly becomes so nostalgic?

Ehem.. as if la I come from Banting..

Finally...

Itz time to sleep.. 6am..

My 'computer' is shutting down already..

Good night?

Good morning..

Late at night.. Early in the morning..

Der.. I lost my ori post.. now I have to type again..


Dunno..

Crap..

She tries not to post something negative.. something depressing..

She needs to be true to myself..

This is the place where she can express herself..

She doesn't care who is the person reading her blog, doesn't care if she knows that person or not..

If you find her blog depressing.. then don't read la.. she doesn't bother..

**
A different girl in front of people and in front of the computer..

In front of people.. she looks OK..

In front of the computer.. she can get very depressed at times..

Is she putting up a mask in front of people?

Which is the real her? The one you know personally? Or the one you know thru' her blog?

She is confused..

Dual personality....?

**
Sometimes she will wonder..
Of what value is all the effort she has put in for this week's effort at visiting juniors?
She gets tired, becomes busier..

What or who is the one she is holding on to?


Well...
As I reflected on the things that happened to her..

I realised that she needs to constantly ask herself why is doing the things that she is doing now..

I realised that she needs to know, not just in her mind but also in her heart that all the things that she is doing - is not for her or the people around her.. itz for the mighty God she serves..

I realised that she needs to know she is not just working for God.. but with God..

I realised that she has kinda lost focus on her priorities..

Does she find joy in doing what she is doing now?

Yes, she does..

But the tiredness is putting her at the egde of letting go and forgetting about it.. robbing that joy away from her..

Is it that she is not able to commit?

Nope.. she is willing..
**


Yup... I need to make peace with Him.. laying down everything at the feet of His throne..

I need to learn to draw strength from Him..

I need to learn to rely on Him..

I need to trust Him more and more..

I need His touch..

I need His healing.. His redemptive power..

I need to be still.. know that He is God..


Tak ku sangka..
kutemukan satu kasih yang abadi

Memandang wajarMu
Mengikuti kebaikanMu
Mengejar hadirMu
Di dalam hidupku
Membawa sembahku
Menyatakan kebesaranMu
Mengejar hadirMu
Di dalam hidupku

Her story...

25 July 2005
She went to the Malam Suai Kenal 2005, organised by Persaudaraan Kristian Varsity UM. The theme for the 2005 MSK was 'Together-gather'..

She was new to the UM culture.. she tried to settle down with all that she has, knowing that her Heavenly Father has a plan for her, a plan to prosper her, not to harm her. She struggled to letting go her dream.. She struggled in making decisions.. She didn't complain much about UM coz she doesn't expect much from it.. furthermore a place in UM wasn't what she wanted. She tried to run away from what the Father has for her..

Like Jonah who tried to run away from God, refused to preach against Nineveh. But guess what.. God sent a huge fish to swallow Jonah.. taught him a cekap lesson.. She learnt her lesson.. some lessons -- have to learn.. re-learn.. learn.. re-learn..

She carried on with her life in uni as a 1st year student.. once in a while, she suffered the pain that ached her heart so much till she got numb of it. It wasn't that hard for her to just throw everything to the back of her head, try to forget what lies behind.. It wasn't hard..

Along the journey.. she met different people.. has a bunch of good friends.. good brothers n sisters in Christ. They encouraged her, prayed with her.. She learnt.. she grew(not physically, though).. Her God has been faithful to her, eventhough she failed Him many times..

One year has come and gone.. a year filled with laughters, tears.. heartaches.. and sometimes, headaches..


26 July 2006
She went to the Malam Suai Kenal 2006. The theme was "BANG!".
B stands for new Beginning,
A stands for new Aspirations,
N stands for new Needs,
G stands for new Goals.
This time, she went there not as a freshie, but as one of the PKVians. She joined the sketch.. acted as a first year student who doesn't know what she wants and what is the purpose of life. The "Mandy" in the story is very much like her.

Why?

The past few months -- she was struck by the question 'what does she want', 'what is her plans for her future'..
She cried dunno for how many times because of what she went thru'.. and because of what she is going thru..

She felt so broken.. so weak.. so tired.. she was upset with herself.. sometimes, she tried to keep those sadness, brokenness.. to herself.. until..

Sometimes.. she felt so burdened... There's a lot of things she wants to do.. but at the same time, there's a lot of things which she is unable do.. She just couldn't trust her abilities. She couldn't trust herself.. she is afraid.. of the Monster Pride in her..


And still I have the pain I have to carry
A past so deep
That even you could not bury if you tried

The storms in her life.. overwhelms her..

But..

"He calmed the storm to a whisper and stilled the waves. What a blessing was that stillness as he brought them safely into harbor." Ps. 107:29-30


Sometimes, she has forgetten that the Father cares for her, that the Father loves her..

Lord, would You please kindly remind her everytime she losses her focus on You? Teach her Your ways, O Lord, that she may live according to Your truth! Grant her purity of heart, that she may honor You. Thank you, Lord.

..

Itz a long day...

Last night.. the gang who stay in MC.. and also Adrian.. wah seh.. sacrificed their time to do the PKV booklet. I really thank GOd for each and everyone of them la. Without them ar.. I really die of "not-getting-enough-sleep".. a sickness accumulated over the days since the semester started.

I only slept for 4 hrs plus last night.. which was super super not enough for me lor..

Now.. headache.. KO-ing..

This morning.. slept thru'out the class.. somemore I was sitting at the front row... shucks man.. Bad impression d..

Thank God that the cytogenetic class didn't turn out to be cytosleepmatic class.

Tonight.. Malam Suai Kenal.. kinda excited.. But the tiredness kind of like sweeping away the excitement n anticipation..

I really praying hard for wisdom n strength... now, low battery d..

Like the Ultraman sign.. not the green light.. but the red light is flashing d..

.... ahem ....

Apalah ni....

Just finished the Probability tutorial class.. what is this la.. have to see the same face during lecture n also tutorial.. He craps a lot.. Die la macam ni..

Aww... itz another Tuesday..

Gosh..

My lab reports.. still got a lot more to go.. dunno how am I going to finish the reports coz it is kinda tough la, have to draw the different phases of mitosis, meiosis.. have to draw the chromosomes.. have to answer some questions, have to do this n that.. ALamak.. my eyes.. tired la coz we have to use the microscope to see those tiny tiny tiny cells.. somemore have to count the chromosomes.. help me ar...

Gosh..

Another day..

When to balik Ipoh?? Dunno la.. kinda lazy to go back.. trying to run away from something? NOpe.. Just lazy..
Well, something happened in the family.. I dun really know what happened coz my mum just told me a bit about it.. something to do with my uncle la.. haih..

Gosh..

Tiredness.. susahness.. the stress.. the pressure.. it can be so overwhelming that you just find it hard to breathe..

But..
My source of hope.. my source of strength.. is Christ alone...

Friday evening...

Now is almost 6pm.. my roommates, all sleeping.

Went for shopping with my cekap roommate, the 'suit' lin.

Finally, it rained.. heavily.. good la..

Went for the sketch practice. Alamak, I am not very good in this sketch thingy, have to act in front of dunno how many people, stage fright would be one of the thing I have to overcome. Hmm, there are some similarities between me and the girl in the story.

Tonight, cell time is in church. Men and Ladies meeting - Sex in the City. Hmm, from the title, u can see that it is sth on sexual purity, based on biblical truth. Interesting topic.


A cute little dog..
It is the poster Kim Cheng gave me.. I take it as a present that people give to someone who moves in to a new house, or in my case, a new room. I dunno what dog it is, but nevermind. In the poster -- Round eyes. Fluffy hair. It has a super 'not syok' look, like looking straight into your eyes. Angry? Frustrated? And it is looking at me now, crap.. haha.
It is feeling super not syok.. You will know why..
On top of the cute dog, u will find this sentence.

When I do good, no one remembers; when I do bad, no one forgets.

Kim Cheng said the poster suits me. Erm.. quite true also.
Everytime I look at the poster, it reminds me a lot of things. Things that stood out for me thru' out the 3 weeks in Camp Cam.
It reminds me of my past hurts.
It reminds me of my anger, frustration, hatred.
It reminds me of who I was and who I m.
It reminds me of walking the 2nd mile.

Most of all, it reminds me of who my Heavenly Father is.

A super cekap Father who is much much much more greater than my mistakes.

A super cekap Father who never gives up on me.

A super cekap Father who embraces me deeply.

A super cekap Father who never leaves me in the dark.

A super cekap Father who asks me to follow Him one step at a time.


How real is this presence that I feel
So consuming that Your love take all of me
How can I be so close to You
So deeply embraced by You
Saturate me
Call me deeper
At Your throne
I will lay down
Saturate me
Flood my spirit
Here I m on Holy ground...

Neriton

Yo, this is the Neriton family in Camp Cam 2006..
These are the crazy fellas I blog about sometime ago. Each and everyone of them are fearfully and wonderfully made.... Each of them has their own strengths and weaknesses. But when we come together -- wah lau wei, we are a cekap family! We are crazy, we are nuts.. we have all kinds of nuts in our family..
Indeed, God has brought us together thru Camp Cam.. a 3 weeks of wonderful family time..
Nerinuts.. I miz u guys!!

N.U.T.S
Never Underestimate The Spirit

Goodbye..
Expected..
I knew I would cry.. and I did.
We were at KLIA to send Sae-rom off. She is going back to US. Itz a surprise for her la. She thought we won't be going to KLIA coz her flight is at 11.15pm..

Sae-rom. She has been here with us the past 10 months. Indeed, she has been a blessing to the fellow PKVians. I really thank God for this sister-in-Christ, who has encouraged us a lot on serving God in campus. She is the one who taught us the hip hop dance, giving us encouragement to dance for God. She is passionate for God n His people. I really admire her courage la, coming to this place called Malaysia, this uni called UM. She doesn't look like a foreigner to me. Well, I dunno how to express la.. I learned a lot from her.. Well, I guess sometimes words are not enough to express the feelings, the thoughts.. Gonna miss her dearly..
Thank you, Sae-rom!

**

Reflection..
As I reflected on the things that happened today..

I realised I have been quite childish, esp in dealing with that problem. I really pray hard that I would act wisely, to deal with that problem wisely.

I was feeling so bad because I allowed myself to feel bad over that matter. I allowed my emo to dictate me. It really hurts - to be "thrown up and down".

Perhaps God is teaching me a lesson.
A lesson of trust.
A lesson of submission.
A lesson of 'stop-thinking-about-myself'.



In Christ alone, I place my trust
And find my glory in the power of the cross
In every victory let it be said of me
My source of strength, my source of hope
Is Christ alone.

Today is Thursday..

Well.. I think I m that kind of person who can sit in front of the computer for long hours, doing nothing..

Don't know what else to do except blogging.. now I'm waiting for my class calculus 2, 2pm.. now I still have around 25 minutes to lepak in the library computer lab.

I don't need to take that 'Spoken English for professionals'.

Cytogenetics and Organization of Genome -- the only bio subject that I'm taking this sem. I like this topic but... Itz super tough.. the lecturer is good, but he is going very fast.

Many times, I can't really get what the lecturer is trying to say. This problem doesn't just happen during bio class, it happens during my mathematics classes -- calculus 2, matematik asas, and Probability.. It happens during my classes in education fac -- psychology, and pentaksiran pendidikan.

Maybe I m still not ready for this new semester.

Maybe there has been a lot things going on in the past one week, kinda happening..

Maybe..

Haih.. whatever it is la..

I was thinking -- what will happen la if this semester I chose..
1. not to bother to do revision..
2. just to finish the assignments, lab reports n tutorials..
3. just to go for class, sit there for an hr plus..
4. just to bum around..


What or who am I holding on to?

Tired.. weariness sets in.. depression creeps in..

I think I m seriously distracted by the stupid problem.

Der.. what's wrong with me??!!

Yes, indeed, itz easy to put on a smile when deep inside me, I'm feeling utterly blue, blue, and blue..

Better get going before I get even more 'blue'.. what a depressing post it is..

Itz time to 'fish' in my calculus 2 class..

Another new day..

I got this sms from my friend..

"Morning doesn't mean getting up and working again, it rather means God loves you so much to let you live and see another day."

Wow.. I have never seen it that way.. Most of the days, I would get up feeling one kind - because I know that it's going to be another hectic day. Maybe itz also because lately I was kinda badly affected by my emotions. My mood - swings like nobody's business. It is not a good thing la. I really need to deal with this emo problem, before it causes me more n more 'headache' n 'heartache'.

Last night, we had a gathering for the bumiputeras in FES office. I m glad that they could make it to the gathering. For those who didn't join us, pray that there will be more chances to connect with them.
In the gathering - we had praise n worship. It was very good. The sharing from Kim cheng - itz not just for the jrs who were there, it was also for each n everyone of the seniors. The passage is taken from Matthew 14, the part where Jesus walks on water. Yes, indeed life is full of ups n downs. We grumbled, we complained.. all these grumblings n complains make us feel even more terrible. Argh, instead of turning our eyes to Jesus, we are actually focusing on the situations.


Bersyukur selalu
Bagi kasihMu di dalam hidupku
Takkan kuragu
Atas rencanaMu
Tuk masa depanku

Sebagai Bapa yang baik
Takkan pernah Kau meninggalkanku
Sebagai Bapa yang sangat baik
Takkan pernah Kau melupakanku

Ku akan menari dan bersuka
Kerna Mu o Yesusku
Dan Ku akan minum air Mu
Bagai rusa rindu
Selalu ku hidup dalam Mu
Dan hidupMu di dalamku
O Yesusku
Kau sangat kucinta


I thank God for those who are involved in this gathering, JV, etc, giving me all the support I need, keeping me in prayer.

Tonight, we will be sending Sae-rom off. She is going back to US. She has spent about 10 months in msia, in UM, in PKV. Indeed, she has been a great blessing to us. Her passion for the Lord and the people around her--sth that really encourages us to continue to run the race, serving God in campus. Aww.. we are going to miss her very much la..

Junior Visitation

Preparation..
I had the feeling that JV is going to be quite taxing, a lot of planning to do. It demands a lot of commitment. The one month after coming back from Camp Cam -- spent the time thinking n planning how to mobilize the fellow PKVians who have availed themselves to do JV, how to get contacts.. But what is more important is how to help the juniors, to care for them, to show our concern to them.. Yes, JV is not just the concern of the Follow-Up head, it is also the concern of PKV.

The 1st week of JV -- it was a good experience. Meeting up with the people who are new to life in UM, sharing their experience in Orientation week, as well as our own experience in the most cruel days of uni life was -- fun! I get to know quite a number of them.

As I reflected on the things we have had thru'out the week 1 of JV, indeed, it was by God's grace that He has brought the juniors into our lives. It is not about how many of them. It is about how we can actually be our brother's keeper, to care for them. Man, it is not easy to carry the responsibility as a brother's keeper because we humans tend to be so self-centered. But we are called to love our neighbour as ourselves. I know that as God has called us to walk the 2nd mile, He will surely enable and empower us to do so.

Think, think and think..
I have been thinking about how we as seniors can help the juniors to cope with the uni life.

My involvement in Follow-up and Junior Visitation has brought me joy. Although at times, it can be quite tiring because of lectures and activities, but God renews my strength daily. HE has never once failed me. There were times I felt extremely low, but the Holy Spirit is my Encourager. I did wonder - what for am I doing all this things, putting so much effort to care for the people I barely knew? What if all the effort we have put in is wasted? But, let's not forget that God works in mysterious ways that is beyond our human understanding. Who am I to limit how He would work in situations?

I learned a lot thru JV. I know it's not about how much I can do. I never knew it would bless me in such a way. Meeting the juniors - itz a blessing to me. Seeing the close knit between the Eng Ministry and the Chinese Ministry - itz another blessing to me.


"You thrill me, Lord.. with all You have done for me! I sing for joy because of what You have done." Ps. 92:4

A Not-so-gOOd Sunday

My Sunday..

again..

I was feeling super low..

Why is that stupid problem still bugging me?

Why.. why.. and why..


Maybe I was blaming myself.. but what else can I do to make myself forget about it?

I am forcing myself .. trying hard to get rid of that stupid problem..

It is just so hard.. I have never felt so so so bad before..

O Lord, be merciful to me..

What a day

Back in UM..

I thought I would be taking 18 credit hours.

I thought my schedule is going to be very tight.. not so now. Should I be happy?

I thought it would be a good start.. I m talking about studies.

I m in the library computer lab.. suddenly got announcement..
OOops.. they are going to ring the emergency bell...
I thought we will have to leave the library..
"Tetapi para pengguna anda boleh meneruskan kerja anda.." Funny..

Yes, Universiti Malaya.. all kinds of funny funny things could happen..

Things like...

The 2nd year SEP students were kicked out from the Sains Kognitif dan Pendidikan Sains class eventhough we have registered online for it, simply because she only wants the 3rd n 4th students saje n to keep the class small.

Suddenly they canceled the Iklim dan Masyarakat class... don't know what happened.


Wow.. I think I better start speaking proper English, write n blog using proper English.. My English -- well, I need to work harder since I am taking Spoken English for Professionals.

"Professionals" wei.. I die wei.. here comes all these broken English..


Tonight we will be visiting some juniors. I have been quite busy planning, mobilising, sms-ing, visiting, arranging schedules n lists of juniors.. etc

I talked to some of the bumiputera juniors during the visitation-- in BM. My BM -- it's so terrible. Maybe I need to take Spoken BM for Professionals, if they offered. Crap...

I am glad to see PKVians involving themselves in JV, offering their helping hands, giving words of encouragement, keeping each other in prayer.

The emergency bell just rang..

Time flies.. and we are coming to the end of week 1 of the 1st semester, 06/07.

Being a 2nd year student, there isn't much changes. Maybe there's some kind of extra responsibilty, I guess.

Wow, this is my first time not using 'wei', 'la', 'lor', 'argh', 'aww'.. etc so often in a single post.

I'm serious with this ... can't you see I am trying to use proper English? Can you?